Yet another series of Big blinking Brother is about to kick off on Channel 4 and what was once a mildly diverting piece of voyeurism is now the single most desperate, lazy, cheap means of schedule-filling ever to bounce off a satellite.

Yet another obnoxious tribe of WAGs-in-waiting, geezers, delusional neurotics and ker-razy characters are to be beamed into our set top boxes virtually 24 hours a day for three whole months. Anybody out there still inclined to tune in will be treated to the thrust and parry of heated debate on subjects as diverse as hair and which celebrities are the most fit. This is afterall the program that thrust Jade Goody, Nikki Grahame, Chanelle Hayes and Charlie Uchea upon us, all of whom continue to hang on to their Z-list status for grim life. Thanks Max Clifford for your wonderful contribution to the world. At least the blokes have the good grace to disappear off the radar once they come out of the house, apart from Ziggy. Terrific bone structure though.

Well folks, the resistance starts here. We’re not going to go as far as dressing up in ankle socks, trench coats and berets like in ‘Allo ‘Allo and to be brutally honest, as resistance movements go this one is about as unsubversive as they get. We’re merely going to suggest a few more interesting things to entertain you while BB9 clogs up the TV with its foul stench.

1. Read a book, and book

Okay it sounds like something a parent might say to a six year old who spends all his time on the PlayStation but books are actually great, well, some of them are. Some are very, very boring and some are just plain rubbish, and you can quote us on that.

2. Make a model of Hogwarts School out of matchsticks…

… like this guy. It might sound a bit crazy but it’s not, it’s actually straight-in-at-the-deep-end bonkers. Just look at that thing. It took him over two years to build which means you’ll miss BB10 and 11 as well. Bonus!

3. Learn to play a musical instrument

The ability to play any instrument indicates depth of character and the determination to persevere. It’s also good for showing off so put down that Guitar Hero controller and have a crack at the real thing. Or the Oboe, or the flute, or the accordion, piano, harp, bagpipes, the choice is yours.

4. Train your dog to do amazing things

Not boring old ‘sitting’ and ‘staying’ like at Crufts, we’re referring specifically to Kate and Jin, the thoroughly marvellous girl and canine double act that would have won Britain’s Got Talent if the voting public had an ounce of sense. How do you even begin to teach a dog to walk backwards, let alone all that other stuff?

5. Create your own big brother experience

a. Stare at groups of people and earwig on their conversations. Add authenticity by keeping your iPod on you and periodically drowning out portions of their conversation with ambient noise. You can also close your eyes for several minutes to simulate a technical fault in the live video feed.

b. Follow other members of your household around pointing out which room they’re in in a very clear, serious voice such as one might use to chastise a child caught shoplifting.

Feel free to add ideas of your own via the comment link.

This entry was posted on Wednesday, June 4th, 2008 at 4:40 pm and is filed under General, Left Field. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.